THORNHILL,ON — 35 year old Moshe Goldberg is still living in his parents basement and has no plans to move any time soon. “The basement has everything I need!” Exclaims Moshe. “I have a living room, two bedrooms, and a bathroom. It’s over 1,000 square feet. PLUS, it has its own private entrance, so it’s really like my very own place!” Thornhill might be a bit out of the way for some people, but not Moshe. “Is it the most convenient location? No.” Moshe admits. “But you know what IS convenient? Having my own personal chef right upstairs. Plus, I can borrow my parents extra Lexus any time I want, so getting around is easy.” “I just don’t understand why I would leave. Why would I wanna pay $400,000 to live in a shoe box downtown? Not to mention with all the money I’m saving on rent, I can use all my earnings as a stock boy at Sobey’s on whatever I want! All you can eat sushi, EDM festivals, open bar Jewish fundraisers. The world is my oyster! Oh, also, I buy so many oysters!”

Article by: Andrew Barr and Ronen Geisler

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#1 THE ISRAELI

 

A confident man with a silky smooth accent. He has the charm of a man who intends to talk his way out of paying the bill. A beast in the sheets, but he won’t pay for what he eats. Bring him home, but beware, this classic lingerer might overstay his welcome. He’ll leave your liquor cabinet emptier than his promise to take you to Costa Rica.

#2 THE MOMMAS BOY

You see him kiss his mom goodbye from inside the coffee shop. His fanny pack filled with his jingly allowance, he offers to pay for you, but cringes when you order a croissant and tall Frappuccino. His shirt is immaculately ironed, but you know that’s not his doing. This man doesn’t know how to do laundry. You’ll always be the #2 lady in his life, which isn’t saying much, because you’ll be one of two ladies in his life.

#3 THE ARROGANT PROFESSIONAL

His pockets are deeper than his love for himself. He’ll take you to the nicest restaurant in town, but he’ll be rude to the waiter (who is doing a great job). He’ll brag about his wealth, but then he won’t tip. On the cab ride home, he’ll try to give you his “tip”.

#4 THE KOSHER UNKOSHER JEW

He’ll judge you for ordering a bacon cheeseburger. He’ll say you shouldn’t eat pork and mix meat with cheese. Then this dietary hypocrite will order seafood pasta with lobster and shrimp, stating that seafood “doesn’t count”. While we’re talking about things that “don’t count”, don’t count on him to be honest with you about what REALLY happened when him and his buddies went to Vegas last weekend.

#5 THE SWEET GUY

The sweet boring Jew that your parents would love you to date. He has a steady job, a reasonable personality, and he wants something serious. His Dad jokes will make you cringe, but he’ll share his Netflix password, so you can binge.

Article by: Andrew Barr and Ronen Geisler

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